Hitting & Favortism

1) How can I stop my toddler from hitting?
Are there certain times that your toddler hits? We would notice that when our toddler would hit is when he was tired or when he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing and was being taken away from the situation. When he would hit us we would hold his hands, look him in the eye (important to have eye contact) and calmly tell him stop hitting, & that hitting hurts or gives owies. if he hit again, we'd do the same thing. If he did it a third time we'd tell him it's time to sit in a time-out because he was hitting. We try not to yell because when we'd yell it would just add fuel to the fire because he was getting a reaction to his behavior. After his time out of about a minute or two we'd tell him hitting is not nice, ask him to say he was sorry, give him a hug and go back to play. We've followed this consistently and after about two months our toddler rarely hits or bites anymore...come to think of it I can't even tell you when the last time was.

Expert Answers - Penelope Leach, child psychologist
Children have the right to use their bodies to express their feelings, but they don't have the right to hurt someone. Even if you generally let other kinds of toddler misbehavior slide, you need to draw the line at letting your child hit you in anger.
Of course, this doesn't mean that when your toddler hurts you it's okay to hurt him back. If your child hits you and you spank him or discipline him by force, you'll only teach him that aggression is an acceptable way to express his feelings or get what he wants. Instead, take your toddler's hands and say, "No hitting. I know you're angry, but we don't hit people. Hitting hurts." If you can tell that your toddler is about to hit you, stop him beforehand and firmly tell him "no."
Some experts suggest that parents offer an angry child a harmless way to "vent" his pent-up fury, such as pummeling a special pillow. This, in my opinion, is a mistake. Anger is a feeling, and feelings don't get "used up." In fact, it's clear from recent research that "harmless violence" is a contradiction in terms. A toddler who's encouraged to wallop his pillow in anger is more — not less — likely to see walloping a person as an acceptable alternative.
When your toddler behaves aggressively, make sure he understands that it's not his anger you disapprove of but his violent expression of it. Don't tell him not to get angry or not to show that he's angry. Simply acknowledge his feeling — and perhaps even sympathize with it — but then remind him that it's much more constructive to use his words to tell you why he's upset. Help him practice expressing his anger verbally. Show him that once he can talk about his anger, the two of you can try to come up with a solution to whatever's vexing him.

Was the above answer helpful? (some replies from other parents)
1st reply:
Three things we do have helped my 16 month daughter reduce her hitting: 1) We hold her hands, bend down and look into her eyes and firmly say 'no hitting' 2) We then say 'gentle' and show her how to touch gently. We also praise her whenever she spontaneously touches us or other children in a gentle way. 3) If she is too frustrated to do the gentle touch - we give her a pillow to hit or remove her from the situation and ignore her for a couple of minutes until she calms down. This hasn't eliminated it altogether but the consistent approach is helping and we recognize that it will take patience and repetition to change her behaviour. Also, she's most likely to hit when she's tired or bored so redirecting her energy or putting her down to sleep BEFORE she gets too tired also helps.

2nd reply:
Hitting cannot be cured with hitting. Hitting encourages more hitting. Remember a large part of toddler learning comes from doing what we do and what gets them what they want. I do agree with hitting as a form of discipline under certain circumstances so please don't think I am one of these parents who condemns spankings. I cured my toddlers hitting by holding his hands firmly down until he stopped. If he tried to hit again I would hold his hands again until he stopped. After a while of not having the freedom to move about he learned not to hit. We also had a problem with him throwing himself and thrash on the floor until he either hurt himself or got his way. We fixed that problem by sitting him on our lap and holding him tight until he stopped. Now only if I can cure the biting. Any ideas????

3rd reply:
My 15 month old daughter also hits us or the floor or a piece of furniture when she gets mad or frustrated because I won't let her do something or have something she wants. I take her hand and hold it (only in a firm way) and tell her that hitting hurts, be nice. She then usually puts her head on me as if to give me a hug. I found like many other readers that if I say No too loud then she laughs and does it again. I don't agree with the people that suggest yelling at them NO! or biting them back or any other form of physical punishment. I can't believe some people actually suggested these responses, they should be embarrassed if they actually use them. Would they want to be screamed at in the face? The reason being is that your child does not understand that behaviour from you the parent. You are there to give them love and when you the parent start behaving like the child it doesn't give them a sense of security anymore. While people may feel that the hitting from a toddler is an act of aggression it is more of an act of frustration. They feel frustrated because they cannot verbalize their feelings and thoughts and the hitting is a release. If it was an act of aggression then where are they learning this behaviour? Our daughter has never been hit, spanked, nothing - yet she started hitting. The same way adults yell and throw things or slam doors, children stomp their feet, throw things or hit. I don't think you should worry, while no one wants their child to appear to be the undisciplined one, just because they are hitting at this age it certainly doesn't mean they will continue this behaviour indefinitely. And I do agree with one of the readers comments who stated that until they understand what punishment is there really isn't anything you can do to a child who is little more than a baby. Relax and let the child be a child. I think we sometimes forget that just because they understand what we are saying doesn't mean they understand consequences and the underlying meaning of everything. There is plenty of time for that when we grow up and become neurotic.

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2) What can I do if my toddler prefers me to her father?
My toddler has developed a strong preference for me over her father. 'Mommy do it!' is her favorite phrase these days. When Daddy makes simple requests of her (even in his normal voice) she runs into my arms crying. If I make the same request, there are no tears and she willingly complies. It's really starting to get to my husband. I don't know what to tell him or how to help her get past this phase. Any advice?

Was the above answer helpful? (some replies from other parents)
1st reply:
We had a similar strong "mommy" preference in our house, but it seems to be better now. A few things have changed: 1. Dad is spending more quality time with our toddler. They have time alone at the park and Dad now does the bath and bed routine himself most nights in our house. (This is where we saw the biggest improvement.) 2. We stopped asking for a preference. Sometimes we contributed to the problem by asking a question, rather than simply saying,"Its time for a bath with daddy!" and moving matter-of-factly into action mode. 3. My husband is trying harder not to take it personally these days. He doesn't tell her that she is hurting his feelings (although, of coarse it does. He is human after all!) We want our toddler to know that as long as she is not hitting or acting out, she is entitled to her feelings. We just can't always accomodate her feelings every time. 4. I try not to contribute by stepping in immediately when she cries for mommy. This was hard for me at first, but I had to admit I was contributing to the problem by stepping in to "save the day!" 5. If she gets a boo-boo and only mommy can sooth it, okay. There are some times when we simply go with her wishes if mommy is around and this is one of those times. Sometimes, no one else can make it better like mommy can. Best of luck to you!

2nd Reply:
We tried alternating nights of putting to bed, but if I'm in the house, my 2.5 yr old only wants mommy. I have to actually leave the house for her to let daddy do it. Then we joined a little Mommy&Me music class, Kindermusik, on Saturdays and Daddy takes her. It's my time to be alone, and they bond. I meet them after the class for lunch/errands. It has brought them together a little more. She feels a little more comfortable with him. I've found the more he does to meet her basic needs (his "job" in the morning is to get her milk sippy cup and bring it to her and he gets thanked with a hug!), the nicer she is to him. It's hard, though, b/c he travels and when he comes home from a trip we have to start all over.

More replies: http://www.babycenter.com/400_what-can-i-do-if-my-toddler-prefers-me-to-her-father_500158_1000.bc